I am going into a new career and I have to fill out applications, something I have not done in years. While this is a daunting task I made sure it was one of my daily goals today and put it as the first thing to do in my calendar app. What I did not expect was how low I would feel when it was all over.
For a few years I made poor decisions. Decisions that have to be explained on applications.
Here are my charges as guilty according to law and God:
- Public Intoxication- I was 17. I could explain my side of the story but I was under age and drinking and I got caught. The other circumstances while valid and could present myself in more favorable light do not take away the fact that I was indeed arrested. Those facts matter also, but I still have to disclose the fact that I was guilty. The questions to ask are “Did I know better?” yes. “Was I forced to leave, or consume alcoholic drinks?” no, I wasn’t. For years I thought differently….but today and from now on I take responsibility that, I was at fault.
- Fired- Again, I could tell my part of the story but it still does not change the fact that I was fired and if I want to use that job as a reference I have to put down fired. I was fired because I called in on a very peculiar and inconvenient day. But, when I was hired I promised to be there on time whenever they scheduled me to work. I did fail to do this and I was punished severely for it. Again, I take full responsibility of that decision.
I haven’t had to relive these past moments of failure for over a decade, until today. I have been safe from scorn doing the housewife thing for years. Today came unraveled and I didn’t know I needed to prepare for it. It feels life I was run hard and put away wet, so to speak. I am ashamed of my past in ways my 17 and 20 year old self could never understand.
I had to list all the good I did as well which was salt in my wound, things like National Honor Society, Student Counsel, Debate. Whose Who, and Choir. I had to come to terms that two different people lived inside this tiny body. Those two people, one sophisticated and savvy and another whose rebellious to the core co-existed inside of me.
Ten years ago the thing I wanted most was to feed my rebellious side. I wanted what I wanted and was not keen on advice or direction. That was a mistake that I would live with until further then now. We cant undo, change, alter, or explain away our past mistakes. Maybe people will want to hear our side of the story. Maybe they won’t.
While in tears, writing about things that seem uncertain from my perspective….would I hire someone with this past? I don’t know. I HAD to remember that I AM FORGIVEN by Jesus Christ already, regardless of who hires me or doesn’t. His blood was shed so that when I was publicly drunk and fired for lack of wisdom that I did not have to die eternally.
Maybe in another decade I can talk about such awful subjects without the tears but I am grateful that I know Jesus and He saved me from my past and holds my future completely in His hands. Not my past.